Today, on Jerry Springer
by Alarun
Summary: Welcome to the show! Today's subject is "Who is my real father?" Let's bring out ....Harry Potter, everyone!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Me no own Harry Potter. I don't own Jerry Springer or Steve, either. I'm sorry if you really like Lily and I offend you ...Just keep in mind that I wrote this during Algebra III and Psychology.  
  
  
  
Jerry Springer: Welcome to the show everybody!  
  
Audience: *Chanting * Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry!  
  
Jerry: Okay, today we have for your viewing pleasure ...*reads card * "Who is my real father?"  
  
Audience: Ooooooh ..  
  
Jerry: Let's bring out our first guest ... Harry Potter!  
  
*Harry walks out and sits down, looking at his hands in his lap. *  
  
Jerry: Alright, Harry, let's hear your story!  
  
Harry: Well, I found out yesterday that James Potter isn't my real father!  
  
Audience: Boooo!  
  
Jerry: Well, did you figure out who your father was?  
  
Harry: That's the thing. Headmaster Dumbledore told me that there was a possibility of seven different guys being my father!  
  
Audience: Booo!  
  
Jerry: What little Harold doesn't realize is that Lily Potter isn't dead! She ran away with an encyclopedia salesman after little Harold was born!  
  
Harry: *eyes widen. *  
  
Audience: Hisssssssss!  
  
Jerry: And she's here at the studio with us -let's bring her out ..here's Lily Potter!  
  
Audience: *A few whistles and catcalls. *  
  
Harry: *Runs up to her and starts hitting her. * *He's pulled away by those security guys. * *Mayhem and beeping ensues. *  
  
Harry: Mom! You're still alive!  
  
*Lily Potter is about a hundred pounds overweight, wearing a much too small sundress. Her hair looks as if it hasn't been brushed or washed in fifteen years, and she's smoking a cigar. *  
  
Lily: *In a manish-deep voice * Yeah.  
  
Harry: Why did you leave me when I was a baby?!  
  
Lily: Because That-Bastard-James Potter was an abusive alcoholic! I had to leave. And if I left you with him, he would be too distracted abusing you to come after *me *!  
  
Harry: *Screams *  
  
Jerry: We'll be back after these messages.  
  
Audience: Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry!  
  
  
  
*Cuts to commercials after Harry attacks Lily again. *  
  
  
  
Jerry: Alright, welcome back. We're here with Harry Potter from the acclaimed book series that many fanatical religious people wish to burn-  
  
*Screen cuts to a burning Harry Potter, running around screaming and waving his arms. *  
  
Harry: *Blushes and glances at Lily Potter. *  
  
Lily Potter: *Oblivious, lights a joint. *  
  
*Security guy Steve takes it away. *  
  
Jerry: Ri-ight .Let's bring out some possibilities for Harry's father -Lily's past lovers!  
  
Harry: *Peeks behind scenes and blanches. *  
  
Jerry: And here is ... Potions Master at Hogwarts School ... Neferius Snake!  
  
*Snape, glowering, glides (bat-like swooping ensues) to stage. *  
  
Snape: That's Severus Snape, you moron. Don't you know how to read? *Shooting razor edged glares at Jerry. *  
  
*Lily finally notices what's going on and charges at Snape, screaming.  
  
Snape punches her and she falls down before Steve can put Snape in a half nelson. *  
  
Snape: Beep, beep beeeeeeeep! Beepity beep you! You beeeeeeeee-  
  
*Lily's writhing on the ground with a broken nose. The entire audience is in full view of her flowered granny underwear.  
  
Some flinched, some threw up, and some fainted.  
  
A stagehand tries to help her up, but she curses him with Petrificus Totalis and continues rolling like a turtle on its back. *  
  
Jerry: Er. Here's possible daddy number two! Tom Riddle, known to his friends as Lord Voldemort!  
  
*Voldemort walks out, wearing ultimate baggy jeans and a black t-shirt that says, "Put it here," with a bandanna around his bald, snake-like head, 'raising the roof' and dancing his way to Snape, who was still in the half nelson. *  
  
Voldemort: Hey, yo yo what up my sista's? *receives glares, but doesn't notice. * Check this out .  
  
Here's a half nelson!  
  
*Points to Snape and Steve. *  
  
Here's a full nelson!  
  
*Does a full nelson on Harry. *  
  
And here's a FATHER NELSON!  
  
*Wraps his arms around Harry's waist from behind, while attempting to inconspicuously drag him offstage. *  
  
Audience: *Chanting. * You-Suck! You-Suck!  
  
*Voldemort, surprised, trips over his wallet-chain and his baggy skater- jeans fall down, revealing boxers with cartoon lightning bolts. *  
  
Harry: Hey! *Stands up. * Lightning bolts are MY trademark! *Lip quivers. *  
  
Voldemort: Er, I, ah. .. .Er. . ..Yo, Homies!  
  
Jerry: Father number three ...Please welcome Lucius Malfoy!  
  
*Lucius Malfoy walks out, wearing ripped jeans and a flannel shirt -half untucked. He's carrying a pitchfork and has hay in his hair. *  
  
Snape and Harry: Er ...?  
  
Malfoy: Sorry 'bout that. I was workin' on da farm when Mister Springer called me and asked me -  
  
Snape: *Escaping from the half nelson. * Malfoy, you're not really a farm hick. You're an English Death Eater wizard. Snap out of it!  
  
Malfoy: Heh. Snape said "snap." Snape, snap, Snape, snap -  
  
Snape: Bleeeeeeep! *Attacks Lucius before Steve gets him back into the half nelson. *  
  
Audience: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!  
  
Jerry: We'll be right back. *Throws cue cards over his shoulder. * 


	2. We Are The Men In Black

I was feeling musical, and have gotten bored once again. I don't own Harry Potter or Jerry Springer yet. I may next chapter .. Naw, prolly not.  
  
Jerry: Hi. Yeah. Welcome back again. *Glares in the direction of the stage. *  
  
*Snape is trying to kick Lucius, but Steve still has him in the half-nelson and is pulling him backwards. *  
  
*Lucius is jumping around, sticking out his tongue and laughing like a moron. *  
  
*Lily tried to smoke another joint, but eventually settled on another cigar instead. *  
  
*Voldemort's singing to Harry in the corner. *  
  
Voldie: Just ...the ..two ...of.. us ... Ha, ha! The first time the doctor placed you in my arms, I knew I'd beat death before I let you met harm. Although questions arose in my mind; "Would I be man enough?" Against wrong, choose right, and be standin' up!  
  
Harry: *Frowns. *  
  
Voldie: --To your crib I crept. Touched your head gently, felt my heart melt, 'cause I knew I loved you more than life itself -  
  
Harry: Beeeeeeep! Beeeep you, beeeeep!  
  
*Harry attacks Voldemort. *  
  
Snape: *Overhearing song. * Here come the Men in Black! The good guys dress in black, remember that!  
  
Jerry: SHUT UP! SHUT UP!  
  
Lucius: *Dances with his thumbs through his belt loops, bouncing up and down with his knees. * I had a friend named a-Ramblin' Bob. He used to steal, gamble, and rob. He thought he was the smartest guy around ...  
  
Jerry: Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee---!  
  
Lucius: He's in the jailhouse now ..  
  
Jerry: *Attack Lucius. *  
  
Snape: *Convinces Steve to let him out of the half-nelson by offering to draw him a Dark Mark on his arm with a black pen. He catches Jerry's microphone. *  
  
*Headmaster Dumbledore appears behind a drum set; Professor McGonnagal is strumming a bass guitar; Madam Hooch has a saxophone; and Professor Flitwick is on the piano. Snape transfigures his wand into a guitar. *  
  
Snape: It wasn't very large.  
  
Audience: *Sniggers. *  
  
Snape: There was just enough room to cram the drums in the corner over by the Dodge.  
  
It was a fifty-four, with a mashed up door, and a cheesy little amp--with a sign on the front said "Gender Champ" And a second hand guitar! It was a stratocaster with a whammy bar!  
  
We could jam in Joe's Garage!  
  
Jerry: *Attacks Snape. * Stop stealing my show! I like my show the way it is!  
  
Snape: *Pulls a few Matrix moves. * Judo Chop! (Okay, not Matrix. Austin Powers.)  
  
  
  
Er, anyway...I'm tired, want to go to bed. I was just offered a job working 34 hours a week-and my parents will definitely not let me pass up *that * opportunity ...  
  
So, along with school ...I'll be home every day after 9:30 and on Fridays. That's not much time to write ... 


End file.
